You know how lost I feel on days, how meaningless it all seems. All this journey leads me nowhere, I feel. This success, this status, is all for the world, not me. Because I only desire you, my only true desire.
Desperate I'm on days, empty I feel inside but even if I don't ever get to you, I can't stop being me. The me that made me worthy of you.
My desperation tends to lead me astray but I stay, deep rooted. Remembering everything this life means, and everything you mean to me.
I'm restless today very restless. This deliberate distance that I did put between your world and mine should have fixed things, but no, it's not helping.
Not a day goes by without thinking about you. And all of this is just inside me, I don't talk about you anymore. I pretend that I don't care, only if I cannot. But if that happens what will I become? I'm alone and I'm praying..
Oh but why this, why am I blabbering, I told you I'm alone. I'm alone since the day I stopped fighting for you, I'm alone since the day I left you. I hope you find love.
As the sun was setting slowly upon us, I could not help but feel for the things, all the things that were going wrong around the world. I could not do enough. The darkness is looming now but there will be a sunrise. A new day, a better world tomorrow. And those who are not consumed by the darkness tonight will get to see the good time that tomorrow promises. That's hope.
That day when he left, he left the only person who ever knew him behind. He decided that the pains of the voyage are his and his alone. But just as he began, his ship wrecked and he drifted on an island. A very beautiful island. He settled in for a life till he can build his ship again and waited for years before he could continue his sail. And one day he started his voyage again to reach the destination, it took him long and a lot was lost but his spirit. He reached his destination only to meet her again, she was there way before him but now he was but a stranger to her. Someone whom she knew ones but no more.
I'd like to believe his sacrifices were worthy.
I'd like to believe that he won his battles.
I'd like to believe that he was at peace.
I'd like to believe that somewhere in her heart he was alive.
I'd like to believe that he existed not just in stories but in reality...
at May 03, 2018
It was a silly jape thrown his way that made him real upset, and I apologized again.
Why should I, I thought, that's the real me, aye.
I settled in the room with my head in my hands, a choking throat and misty eyes, as a stark realization hit me. Why...
I didn't love him, I never did, it's not his fault it's just me and so I've to do everything I could to make up, to be his angel.
Putting back that smile shrouding my guilt, I wiped those tears aside.
I'd look at the mirror and ask myself
Who am I...
Am I a craven or am I brave
Am I selfish or am I selfless
Am I sinful or am I good
Am I realist or am I a dreamer
Am I even me or just your notion of me
Oh I know who I am
I'm everything that you want me to be
But please it's too long now
Please let me be
You saw me in an ephemeral moment in the afterglow of the sunset sailing home and said, 'what a beautiful life!'
But I've been here forever, from when the sun was hot and not so kind, from when the water was turbulent and not so calm.
The play of time.
All you got to appreciate was my outer beauty but not my inner turmoil.
Don't you find it strange that we live together but in two different worlds
There we walk, we walk the same path, yet I'm drenched and you're burned.
For I'm fire and you're the rain - both pure and holy in their own realm
And yet when the fire meets the rain, neither of it remains
It's just smoke, a smoke choking everything, all the way...
It's time to thank you. Each and every one of you who is reading these few words, for helping me to pick up the fallen me from time to time. Being a human of flesh and blood, sometimes I break too far and break too bad, and then I go in this hiatus. It is then when you come, you someone from somewhere - from one heart to another (as someone once beautifully quoted and I've clung to those words since), helping me...
I'm grateful to you, just that.
Things are falling apart, all the times, everywhere
We're not content in ourselves, we seek
We're not understood, we are meant to be
We're not supposed to be hurt, we are
The world is not supposed to be like this, that's the way it is.
I'll let this anomaly creep in every nerve, every vein
And I'd pray for more, and pray for more asking You to fix the broken.
I'll sustain for I'd fallen in love with this incessant pain.
This is the most clear note that I've ever written here
But this is also the most cryptic one you'd ever read from me.
We're not in this for us but for the others,
You and I, we've our lives but we live for others
And let's not make the others realize this
This is our secret gift to them.
at May 19, 2017
I talk. I talk to the sea or the mountains or a pillar or a tree but not you
Because I've this fear of being right or wrong, fear of being judged, being labeled.
I'd say and I'd regret, or may be I fear of being misunderstood.
No, may be not being understood at all.
May be I told you everything and you loved me for being me,
But then you never wanted me to be me.
I need to stay silent but I crave to speak.
No I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to myself.
This is getting oblique, I've to stop. Forget it, it's nothing.
at May 16, 2017
at May 07, 2017
I saw him smoking a puff in.
He was standing alone at a corner in the party.
And then a cloud of smoke flew out of his mouth.
Circles dissipated in air.
I walked up to him and said, 'I didn't know you smoked.'
He was somewhat taken aback by the breach in his solitary.
He extinguished the fag under his foot.
'Killing time,' he said.
'Or killing self,' I asked.
He strode without answering, hands in pocket and a dropped head.
I've witnessed him brooding in loneliness.
But with people around, he is all smiles.
When love is less, pain is more.
I held that cup tight and cautiously, as if it's not the cup
But our relation that I was holding on to.
You were engrossed in sorting the clothes.
'Hey, coffee for you.'
You smiled, I smiled.
'It's good,' you said.
'I think I know your tastes better now.' I pronounced with some self adulation.
You look at me with amazement and obliviousness at the same time.
I knew in that very moment that our love is still incomplete.
I still cannot say you're the one because in you I see a split
The you that I know and the you that I don't know.
He looks at me with a smile and I smile back.
He kisses my head and says you've the most beautiful smile.
I smile a little wider and then curb it guiltily.
I've heard this before, I've believed this before.
He wants me to be happy and I'm happy with him.
But you know that...
There is no eye that sees me the way you did
Neither a heart that feels my heart like you did.
May be I'm no more the me in love.
I've transformed with time but that feeling hasn't.
My heart raced a million miles in those few seconds
It's been years since that unceremonious goodbye
And there you were looking as beautiful as ever.
The dinner. The goodbye.
I stayed there for a moment, I let the grief shroud my soul,
I let the cloud burst occur in my eyes.
Shattered I returned to that place which took you away from me
Only to realize that I've been robbed of my memories
The one I needed to console my heart
Just sneaked into my diaries and
Tore all my musings, my conversations with you.
I was not entitled to love and now
I'm not entitled to express my pain either.
I rest in dark sadness tonight and
Hope that the dreamer meets his dream.
There are times when you grow in life and the other times when life grows upon you
It was not in my words but in the way you read that made everything so poetic. It was not in me but the way you held that made the love...
That was me telling stories Stories, good and bad But then I was distanced by time One by one From all Who ever relished my tales ...
You saw me in an ephemeral moment in the afterglow of the sunset sailing home and said, 'what a beautiful life!' But I'v...