I've endured a suffering for so long just by holding those memories tight close to me.
And I still don't want to let go of those memories,
I'll let them warm me from inside and tear me apart at the same time.
I saw him smoking a puff in.
He was standing alone at a corner in the party.
And then a cloud of smoke flew out of his mouth.
Circles dissipated in air.
I walked up to him and said, 'I didn't know you smoked.'
He was somewhat taken aback by the breach in his solitary.
He extinguished the fag under his foot.
'Killing time,' he said.
'Or killing self,' I asked.
He strode without answering, hands in pocket and a dropped head.
I've witnessed him brooding in loneliness.
But with people around, he is all smiles.
There is a darkness that surrounds me.
A deceptive darkness. My dark side.
This darkness consumes all like the black hole.
How could I've let you in, the Light
When I could not get out of my own dark side.
I held that cup tight and cautiously, as if it's not the cup
But our relation that I was holding on to.
You were engrossed in sorting the clothes.
'Hey, coffee for you.'
You smiled, I smiled.
'It's good,' you said.
'I think I know your tastes better now.' I pronounced with some self adulation.
You look at me with amazement and obliviousness at the same time.
I knew in that very moment that our love is still incomplete.
I still cannot say you're the one because in you I seea split
The you that I know and the you that I don't know.
He looks at me with a smile and I smile back.
He kisses my head and says you've the most beautiful smile.
I smile a little wider and then curb it guiltily.
I've heard this before, I've believed this before.
He wants me to be happy and I'm happy with him.
But you know that...
There is no eye that sees me the way you did
Neither a heart that feels my heart like you did.
May be I'm no more the me in love.
I've transformed with time but that feeling hasn't.
My heart raced a million miles in those few seconds
It's been years since that unceremonious goodbye
And there you were looking as beautiful as ever.
The dinner. The goodbye.
I stayed there for a moment, I let the grief shroud my soul,
I let the cloud burst occur in my eyes.
Shattered I returned to that place which took you away from me
Only to realize that I've been robbed of my memories
The one I needed to console my heart
Just sneaked into my diaries and
Tore all my musings, my conversations with you.
I was not entitled to love and now
I'm not entitled to express my pain either.
I rest in dark sadness tonight and
Hope that the dreamer meets his dream.
She was silently staring at the horizon, in a trance, wistfully thinking.
I placed the coffee in front of her and asked, 'what are you thinking?'
She stared at me and I noticed her vacant eyes.
'Nothing', she said.
'Sometimes it's not the life that we live
But the life that we can't which
Is the reason of our heart's despair.'
"You and I, the land and the sea." "Land and sea, I don't understand" "There are days when the sea is calm. I'm content with just having you, there. I know you're in your own world still I'm calm." "And." "And, there are days when the sea is restless. I want you to reach my depths, explore me, I desire you, I want you." "Can't we just merge, become one." "We can't, for you're the land and I'm the sea, and our coming together will mean destruction for our world." "Why then, am I the land, and you're the sea? Why can't we both be sea, intermingling where the land ends, exploring each other's mystery? Why can't we be?" "....."
(my answer might not be your's. you find your own answers of this one)
There was something very defining about you
You've painted your dreams with your chosen colors
You've that simple craziness that makes you unique
You've that innocuous mischievousness
You're like a snow covered mountain, glowing white
I reveled in your beauty, I know you, you are me.
Not the me existing here and now
Faded like the melting snow
Lapsed in time...
I'm waiting for the December snow again
But this time it isn't snowing
They say that the world has changed
And it's never gonna snow here again.
In between those hot sips of the dark brown liquid
And the fumes carrying the smell of the diffused beans
We've talked nonchalantly about today and tomorrow
We've talked about work and world, and silence followed.
There are still a few conversations that are left incomplete
I'm speaking loud in my heart, are you even listening...
While cleaning my closet, I caught hold of the box of memories.
The box of memories that enclosed the forgotten diary.
My hands trembled conveying not to unlid it,
Don't pick it, don't open it, then my heart sighed.
That forgotten diary -
The torn pages reminded me of everything I wrecked,
The blank ones reminded me of everything incomplete,
And there were still these one left, nether torn nor blank
Marred with tears, marred yet not destroyed like my soul.
Then I closed the diary, like I closed my heart
And consigned it to oblivion once again.
I've this uncanny nature
Of picking up the battles
That I know I can't win.
Refusing to concede
I fight these lonely battles
Battles that just don't recede.
Why is all I ask O God
Why this heart has to feel everything
A silent yet icy breeze gushed from somewhere causing me to cuddle
up and cover my exposed skull with a tam hat. The sound of the chirping birds
which caressed my ears ebbed, time drifted unnoticed as the colour of the sky
remained constant grey with clouds shrouding the winter sun. My thoughts
wavered from youth to mid-life.
That embrace of love and innocence, that vow of together
forever, that liberty of dreaming your dream, that curiosity to explore life – entirely
traded with the conventional and established.
A fine book lost its’ crux in translation. A magnificent story
undone by the curse of poor rendition.