SOLILOQUIES ~ Beyond Few Words

The wrecks of my heart are mine and mine alone. Don't try to mend them, it's through those ruins That this life has sustained...

Love brought me closer to life, then life took me away from love.

I saw him smoking a puff in. He was standing alone at a corner in the party. And then a cloud of smoke flew out of his mouth. Circles dissipated in air. I walked up to him and said, 'I didn't know you smoked.' He was somewhat taken aback by the breach in his solitary. He extinguished the fag under his foot. 'Killing time,' he said. 'Or killing self,' I asked. He strode without answering, hands in pocket and a dropped head. I've witnessed him brooding in loneliness. But with people around, he is all smiles. When love is less, pain is more.

There is a darkness that surrounds me. A deceptive darkness. My dark side. This darkness consumes all like the black hole. How could I've let you in, the Light When I could not get out of my own dark side.

I held that cup tight and cautiously, as if it's not the cup But our relation that I was holding on to. You were engrossed in sorting the clothes. 'Hey, coffee for you.' You smiled, I smiled. 'It's good,' you said. 'I think I know your tastes better now.' I pronounced with some self adulation. You look at me with amazement and obliviousness at the same time. I knew in that very moment that our love is still incomplete. I still cannot say you're the one because in you I see   a split   The you that I know and the you that I don't know.

He looks at me with a smile and I smile back. He kisses my head and says you've the most beautiful smile. I smile a little wider and then curb it guiltily. I've heard this before, I've believed this before. He wants me to be happy and I'm happy with him. But you know that... There is no eye that sees me the way you did Neither a heart that feels my heart like you did. May be I'm no more the me in love. I've transformed with time but that feeling hasn't.

My heart raced a million miles in those few seconds It's been years since that unceremonious goodbye And there you were looking as beautiful as ever. The dinner. The goodbye. I stayed there for a moment, I let the grief shroud my soul, I let the cloud burst occur in my eyes. Shattered I returned to that place which took you away from me Only to realize that I've been robbed of my memories The one I needed to console my heart Just sneaked into my diaries and Tore all my musings, my conversations with you. I was not entitled to love and now I'm not entitled to express my pain either. I rest in dark sadness tonight and Hope that the dreamer meets his dream.